Our Daily Lies

I hate the fact that we lie to so many people in any given day. Like, when the cashier at the coffee shop asks you how you are, you say, “Oh I’m good thanks” even if you aren’t. But you’re definitely not gonna lay it on them….you can’t be like, “Well I had a full existential crisis and a real good cry this morning but I’ve kinda been doing okay since then.”

If you take a day off of work for your mental health, you’re sure as hell not going to tell your coworkers that’s why you weren’t at work. You’ll make up some excuse about not feeling well or having a headache because you’re definitely not going to tell them “Oh yeah, I felt like killing myself today so I decided ‘Fuck it, I’m not going to come in.'”

We live in a society where sharing is inherently bad, and I wish it were any other way.

Argh!

I’m super frustrated. I turned 21 in September, and I feel like I’m not doing anything with my life. I’m driving for Uber because I don’t have a real job (well, I did but it was a contract and the contract is over but I haven’t been able to find another job). People that I went to high school with but graduated after me are more successful. Meredith got her AA at the small state college I got mine from, then went on a European tour to Greece and France and Rome and all of these beautiful places, and now goes to a huge university. Justin has just graduated college and is starting his own business. Amanda is, like, the main partner or whatever for a wedding planning business and a pre-K teacher on the side. A guy I used to date [name left out for more anonymity] biked across the entire US to raise awareness for Tourette’s, AND he’s going to San Jose State or something, AND his sister is going to the University of Michigan for theatre. Samantha is in grad school in Indiana for psychology. AnnMarie went to Penn State for large animal veterinarian-ism and now has a kickass job in Iowa working like on a farm or something. Alyssa is a nurse. Paige is a nurse. My best friend is in EMT school. Lexie graduated business school and she’s been on like 3 missions with her church on top of presenting some research at a friggin’ symposium and now she’s applying for med school. And these are only the people that I’m still friends with on Facebook. I don’t want to know about the other people, honestly.

I always thought I was going to be so much more successful than the people I went to high school with. I always thought that I would come out on top. I thought that I was going to be the one that everyone was surprised about come the 10-year reunion. (I guess I still have time for that…)

This has just been causing me a lot of stress lately and it’s been so difficult to put into words.

Anxiety, Thou Art A Hateful Bitch

Oh yeah. I said it.

Having anxiety is fucking awful. Feeling like you are required to worry about every little thing when, logically, you know that worrying about these things are not going to do anything but stress you out further. The things I find myself worrying about honestly blow my mind sometimes.

I’m really fucking tired of dealing with this. Hopefully I can get a goddamn grip on myself sometime soon…otherwise I might really go insane. Ugh.

-E

Late Night Bathtub Musings

I wish I knew the words to tell you how much I love you–how, without thinking for a second, I would lay down my life for you.
How do I tell you that I would go anywhere with you, because it doesn’t matter to me where we go, just so long as I am with you.
How do I say that I can no longer fathom life without you. (Though I’m not sure I could have ever fathomed it…)
How do I keep you from ever feeling like less than what you are to me–that you are my whole world, my rock, the only one I will ever need?
How can I ever explain just how much you truly mean to me? That I love you more than I’ve ever loved another person, and that I need you to know that above all else?
My God, how do I tell you that any time I envision the future, you’re right next to me in every scenario, whether we’re in California or Washington or Europe or Australia…whether we have kids or don’t…whether we’re still young or old and grey.

Is “God, I fucking love you” enough? I hope so, ‘cos that’s all I’ve got.

eh.

I have cried so much this evening that my eyes are burning. I feel as though everything is my fault.

And I did a bad thing. I’m afraid of what you’ll think of me now. And I’m more sad after doing the bad thing than I was before.

Now I just wish I could go to sleep. Sigh.

Kitty Gets It

Kitty understands that the acid in my stomach and the lead in my legs means that I’m in for a rough day. That’s why she’s nestled herself in the crook of my arm, the happy and purring little kitten that she is.

Can kittens get depressed? One wouldn’t think so, as they seem to be the complete antithesis of depression: tiny little puffballs of energy and curiosity. But at least she understands me today and is settling for cuddles and pets instead of her usual morning routine of attacking my toes under the comforter.

For You

Unfortunately, I will never be able to explain to you the way you changed me–for the better. I will never be able to explain how I feel every day when I am able to wake up next to the man I love so wholly and so completely. Even after we’ve been married for years, I will still not be able to enumerate the ways you saved me when we met. You are making me into a better woman, my love, and for that (among so many other things) I shall be eternally grateful.

Small Things to Love

  • When your hair does that adorable curl it gets when it’s slightly too long and messy
  • The cute little ‘rahr’ noise you make when you readjust cuddle positions
  • “baby”
  • That you’re totally down for getting Kitters II when Kitters is a pain and already aggravates your allergies
  • That you even call our kitty Kitters (slightly irrelevant note: her real name is Onyx, but Boyfriend calls her Kitters and it’s cute)
  • That sometimes you cross your arms when you’re asleep, which is remarkably freaking cute
  • Your almost equally strong nerdy affinity for Harry Potter
  • All the baby pictures I have of you now (note: Boyfriend’s grandmother just gave me a bag full of pics that he thought were gone forever and I’m SO excited we have)
  • The face you make in your selfies
  • Forehead kisses
  • Hugs from you–the way I fit in your arms, with my head under your chin
  • The fact that you turned my alarm off because today because you knew I needed the sleep and we weren’t going to work
  • The little ‘I love you’s”
  • So many more that would honestly take forever to list…good thing there’s the rest of our lives

A New Day

And then the next morning you can wake me up to tell me that you’ve done something for me that I’ve been putting off, and bring home a box of hair color adjuster because we both know I look silly. You can then bring me a bagel and chocolate milk in bed because you know I’m still not feeling great. You can sing our favourite song in the kitchen while my bagel toasts, and kiss me gently when you come in with the breakfast you made for me.

We can giggle at our kitten when she tries to come in our room when she knows she’s not supposed to, and I can remind you that I love you.

Sounds like a pretty damn perfect morning to me. <3